I'm starting clean, starting over. And I'm going to do it right this time.

Does anybody read this anymore?

I don't remember how much I've provided here...as Jeff said when I was at Cal State Long Beach (in 2007), "You've disappeared off the blogosphere!"

Here I am trying to get back :)

I'm in my junior year, spring semester, at Dixie State College of Utah in St. George, Utah. Two more semesters and I'll have my Bachelor of Science in English: Professional and Technical Writing. Then I'll stick around for another year or so to receive a second degree, Bachelor of Science in Integrated Studies: English-Music. Then off to grad school. With this economy I'm definintely going to grad school. Don't know yet where or for what or anything like that, but I'm keeping it in the back of my mind.

I've got a couple of friends in RL (gasp! shock! awe!) which is kinda cool. Okay, really cool, lol. And I know a ton of people since it's such a small school and I'm in classes with the same people.

I'm on the chamber singers and vocal jazz, am taking voice lessons and choral conducting, which is a dream come true. I've always always always wanted to learn how to conduct for real, and I am. Never thought I'd use a baton, back when I dreamed of this, but I'm actually liking the baton. Which is awesome. :)

I'm going to compete in the Vegas regional competition of the National Association of Teachers of Singing (NATS) at the end of this month. Nervous! Excited!

As for therapy and such...I read a book my therapist recommended last year and, after reading about boundaries, discovered that something my mom used to do with me was sexual abuse. I'm having a hard time with that...after finding out what happened was wrong, my ideas about my body started changing..first, I couldn't let anyone touch me unless it was in a sexual context, and now I don't want to be touched, period, but other times then I crave physical intimacy. I have no idea what's going on and I only get therapy once a week, sometimes less, so I went and bought a workbook at Barnes and Noble that I'm going to continue working through. I've also started going to Al-Anon meetings and I think I'm going to go on a regular basis now (been going on and off for the past year and a half). Even though my family wasn't an alcoholic family, Al-Anon still helps a lot.

Last night I was up all night working on my style guide for my document design handbook...slept three hours, woke up, drank some Dr. Pepper and took some Ritalin, took more Ritalin when that started to wear off (discovered that Ritalin is much more effective for me when paired with food). I'm not "doing drugs," my psychiatrist wrote this stuff for me and I am very careful with it. I'm waiting for it to wear off so that I can finally sleep.

I sang so much today...my (vocal) cords are shot. Still so much to work on, but I've made a lot of progress. I love my voice teacher, I have been learning so much and I never have to wonder, like I have with past teachers, if I'm getting better or not. Ken tells me when I do things right (and tells me I'm "da bomb", lol) and gives constructive criticism that's to-the-point rather than vague plain criticism like with my old teachers where I'd break down in lessons sometimes because I felt like I was working so hard and not getting anywhere.

And now I'm not sure what else to write, I'm waiting for the last dose of Ritalin to wear off so I can rest...on one hand I don't want to go to bed because I have things to do, but this chair in the living room is soooooo comfy that I might fall asleep here, despite my roommate next to me playing some FPS on the network with his xbox 360 on voice chat and everything.

Last day of the semester is April 30. So close but so far. I've got to make sure I keep it together...

- Tracie

Feels great to get taken.

Erin of Project Download has passed away.

So I just got a Facebook IM from a guy named Ryan, from high school. He wasn't the nicest person ever back then but there were a lot of other people who treated me worse than he did. But I was still wary when he IM'd me, if I should ignore him or close Facebook or what...

So we trade pleasantries and he says out of the blue:

I wanted to appoligize for being so mean in high school! I don't know what the hell was wrong with me I mean I guess I was trying to be cool but that is still no excuse you never did anything to me to desirve the way I treated you

I'm not sure how his apology makes me feel. But he's definitely shown himself to not be as small a person as I thought he was.

I'm four weeks into the spring semester at Dixie and I'm doing pretty well. I've been singing the national anthem at Dixie's women's and men's basketball games in the big arena. I'm on chamber singers and the vocal jazz project, my voice teacher (who is also the chamber singers director) loves my voice and is really helping me grow (now I can sing even *louder!*). I've found some meditation/self-hypnosis mp3s on iTunes that have, for the time being, at least, solved my sleep problem. It's so beautiful to be able to sleep and wake up in the morning without feeling like I'm going to crumble with fatigue.

Dad's nervous because everything has been going so well, especially for so long, and it's eventually going to go to shit. But I'm learning to deal with the good times. Kathleen, my therapist, said that people who have been through a lot of what I've been through have a big problem with good times, because it's not what they're used to and they need to have something going wrong in order to feel...comfortable? I don't know if that's the right word but I'm sure you understand :)

I just haven't felt like writing. My one-year subscription to paid LJ just ended and while I hardly wrote any when I had it I'm glad I was able to give back...even though I'm not using LJ much anymore, I used it a LOT for a very long time.

I really can't think of anything wrong, nothing out of the ordinary beyond having problems paying for my meds ($85 for 30 days of Cymbalta; $85 for 30 days of Abilify, + all other meds) and that isn't as big a problem as you'd think since I have ny "stash" and that my psych is flush with samples, sometimes she'll give me or dad like 3 months of Cymbalta in 7-pill bottles at a time.

A lot of people have come to me and told me how well I sang at the last basketball game (it was packed because it was the game where our new mascot was revealed) but I...don't feel like it's a big deal to sing to a crowded arena, solo, a capella, and a very difficult song (the Star-Spangled Banner melody is ridiculous!!). I just...did it. I really wasn't that nervous. I haven't had butterflies or trembling when singing solo for years. If I looked at the entire crowd when I was standing up there alone then I probably would have had a problem. So my winterguard training kicked in: Look up, high and to the center, that's where the judges sat. So I looked at the clock and just...looked at it and sang and the crowd went NUTS when I was done. I sing it very classically, I don't mess with it, I'm a soprano and I sing the melody (in the key of Bb which means the high notes are F at the top of the staff). I'll have a video up soon.

Things are going well but I'm not sure I'd call it "happy." When I feel myself "happy" I go take Xanax pronto for fear of mania. So I kind of exist in this continuing condition of very mild depression/sadness (Kathleen says the sadness would come from my upbringing and that it's different from depression). I mean I still enjoy life but I'm not...happy, and when I find myself happy, I sedate myself with Xanax, a benzodiazepine :p

Class ends in 3 minutes...so I need to wrap this up.

I still exist, people :)

- Tracie

Tomorrow begins spring semester at Dixie State College of Utah, and it's my second full semester (not counting last summer). I have a music scholarship to sing in "The Vocal Jazz Project" and I'm also a chamber singer. But music isn't my major anymore; English is, professional and technical writing.

I've got a mentor in the prof/tech program (Dr. Armstrong/Steve just, well, told me he's taken me on and he's my mentor, it's nothing official) and I'm one of ten people invited to work on the literary magazine this semester. I'm also taking tumbling at the studio of Desert Edge Dance. I always wanted to take gymnastics as a child...and my dad said I'd break my neck. Well, I'm 23 now (had my birthday last month) and I can do whatever I want now, provided I have the money. :) Yeah, the other two people in my class are like 12 and the teacher is two years behind me at Dixie but I don't care. :)

I've even got a couple of RL friends :) That's rare, for me! Rather than spending the majority of my time on Tar Valon and less time focusing on real life, it's the opposite now: more time in RL, less time on Tar Valon. But I think that's good for me.

So yeah. I don't really feel like writing an incredibly long entry right now so I'll end it here. I'm still around...just haven't felt like writing, but I think that's going to change. :)

- Tracie

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why, but she knows that
when she's all alone,
feels like it's all crashing down.
- Superchick, "Stand in the Rain."

So much stuff has gone on, and I feel so incredibly worthless, that I'm not sure what to even write here. School and guys and Glen/family and Tar Valon...

I spent a good portion of the day yesterday gasping-hiccuping-can't breathe-crying.

This morning I was reading entries from this livejournal from August 2005. Right when Ian left for Iraq. I kept saying, the only person I can rely on is myself, the only person I can rely on is myself...

It's fitting to be reminded of that when I feel like everything's crashing down. It's strangely empowering.

Doesn't fix the stress or depression or overwhelmed-ment though.

I wanted to go back to St. George last night but dad got us both comped buffets at the Oasis casino. So I can't leave till that's over. I don't even want to go but I don't want to hurt dad's feelings. I'm gone all week most of the time, and I know he gets lonely.

I really thought Glen was The One.

I've just fucked up so much in the past year, in every aspect of my life. It's ridiculous.

I'm reading this book (title above) for my multi-ethnic American literature class. I came across a very quotable quote.

You say good riddance, though your heart has broken in so many little pieces that looking at those pieces no one would be able to tell what it composed when they were all part of something together.

Yesterday was the big choral gala in St. George. All the high school choirs, community choirs, and two college choirs (including chamber singers, which I'm on) all got together. We performed separately and together, and when we were together we were directed by Dr. Craig Jessop, who used to direct the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. He wasn't the best director I've been under but he's the best conductor by far.

So we had a couple of rehearsals, but we didn't see the entire program till yesterday at the actual show.

The president of the college introduced his wife as narrator near the beginning. She took the stage and...

...they had a thing where they were honoring families who have lost sons in Iraq. They're both buried in Hurricane, UT.

Then there was a slide show. "They answer the call...they give it their all...and sometimes, they die." With pictures of soldiers and Iraq and American flag-draped coffins and white gravestones.

Before I knew it, it instantly brought up the memory of kissing Ian goodbye and trying to smile while he walked away to board his flight to Iraq with the Marine Corps.

I started to cry. Quiet crying, but plenty of tears. Aubrey was sitting next to me and she was concerned but once I explained she got it, and told me that her brother and a cousin went to Iraq too.

Then we had to stand up and sing A Prayer For Our Time, which is a prayer for peace, and I was trying so hard to sing and not cry and keep my tears hidden so the camera wouldn't focus on me on the big screen.

It just brought it all back. And then Glen, I wasn't with him while he was gone, but I was with him when he came back with PTSD. On the 4th of July I held his hand and put my hand on his chest and tried to keep him calm while the fireworks went off. His heart was beating like a hummingbird's.

I swear up and down: I do not look for men in the military. Those two found me. But I loved them...I loved both of them. But I realize now...in retrospect...I loved Ian more. And that's why it was so bad when he was gone for 7 months. I know that's not a very long tour. But it tore me apart.

And I've got tears in my eyes right now but I know I have to write this.

I IM'd Ian this morning. We hadn't talked in a while and I was afraid that it'd be weird. So we talked about jobs and school and then I told him what I wrote above.

I told him...I don't love you anymore, but I loved you once, and I still do care...and I"m so glad you came back, because I was so scared you wouldn't.

He said he's shocked that I still feel that way but that it does touch him.

I told him how things went to shit with Glen and he said he's sorry, it looked like it was going so well...he used the f-bomb a couple times while I told him what happened and that comforted me...I mean, it's Ian, that's how he said he cares.

So we had a talk about our relationship, when we were in a relationship, even though it was back in 2006 when we broke up. We've both admitted that we were douchebags and treated each other badly. But we both learned from it. So we're both glad we were together. He said perhaps it was the wrong time...but I said it was exactly the right time, because we taught each other a lot about relationships and about...life.

Ian's doing really well now, he's working and getting ready to go to school and stuff. I'm glad. He was so apathetic in the Corps but I knew he had it in him, I knew he had drive and responsibility and caring and everything. It just didn't come out until he was out of "the suck." I believed in him. I still do. He said he really appreciates that.

I'm friends with all my ex boyfriends who matter. It surprises me, but I know now that Glen doesn't matter. He doesn't. Not after how we broke up, not after he didn't even say, I hope you feel better, when I told him I was going into the behavioral ward at the hospital with depression. I had told him a couple days before I was depressed but he wouldn't talk with me about it...he was like, oh, I'm at my sister's house, we're playing video games, I have to go.

But Ian matters. Yeah he did pull a lot of shit but I did too and he did come through for me a few times. I remember this one time...I don't remember what I was crying about. But I was upset. Not like hiccuping-gasping crying, but crying.

He got up, went to his wall locker and pulled an object out of it...it was in the same type of box as the bracelet he got me from Iraq for belated Valentine's Day. He gave it to me. A small silver charm bracelet was inside. It was just...such a gesture. It made me smile. He loved seeing me smile. He loved making me smile. I was so serious all the time when we got together, so depressed, so high-strung...he brought me down a little to normal existence, to not worry about every-single-little-fucking-thing. He'd do almost anything to make me smile.

It's over and I'm glad. We weren't meant to be together. But I still care. As a friend. I'm so glad he's my friend and I can be his. We know each other so well, maybe more than most of the people we're close to in our lives now. When we're talking and one of us is full of shit...the other calls it out.

Anyway. Talking about all that was just...just a release, especially after last night. I'm still crying a little...I'm still dealing with it. My therapist would probably say I'm grieving. Lots of things, I've learned, require grieving.

I'm glad we were together. I'm glad now that we're not. But it means a lot to me that we're still friends and I can tell him what happened, and tell him I care, and have him take it well and not as weird.

I believed in him. I still do. He's becoming the man, the friend, the boyfriend, everything that I knew he could be.

Tracie.

So I finally broke down and got an Apple. MacBook Pro, 2.4 GHz, 2 gigs memory, etc. It was $1799 last week but I got it for $1399 yesterday :D I mean I did have to go deeper into debt to get it, but my Toshiba just wasn't cutting it anymore. So I'm still learning to use this thing.

Me and Glen broke up, I started seeing this other guy until he gave me a funny feeling and my therapist said he's bad news. He likes to play games. So I'm kind of sad about that but it happens. It's a shame, though, 'cause he's an incredible musician. :(

Dad's in California right now doing the arbitration about his first attorney so he can get his money back ($14,000). I hope he does well...

Steve (Prof. Armstrong) invited me to be an editor on the literary magazine, the Southern Quill, next semester, which really surprised me, but I'll do it. My friend Shanin, who is in 3 of my classes, is green with envy. I have all these opportunities and stuff, because I use my talent and go for them, and she...doesn't. So sometimes it's hard being her friend...not really hard but a little awkward since I have so many things going for me in both English and vocal music...

I was in the hospital a couple weeks ago for depression. Yeah...*that* hospital. I ended up staying less than 24 hours. Even though I was depressed, they started cutting DOWN my antidepressant and treat me for mania. I wasn't manic. I'm just a loud person. I play piano loud (they had a piano), I sing loud, I talk loud, it's just who I am but they were beginning to drug me up. So I had to check myself out. But I was able to get to my normal psychiatrist so things got straightened out.

So I'm keeping on trucking and doing my best. I'm still writing the grant for Glen's parents' non-profit 501(c)(3) even though he broke up with me. I've worked half a semester on it and I really believe in what they're doing (wildlife education and rehabilitation). I'm glad me and his parents are still cool. They're awesome people.

So...that's what's been going on. Hopefully I'll be writing more often now that I'm on a computer that doesn't give me the Blue Screen of Death both when I'm using it and when I'm not!

- Tracie

It feels like I have lost this fight.
They say that I am staying down.
But I'm not giving up tonight -
Tonight, the wall is coming down.

I am stronger than my fears.
This is the mountain that I climb.
Got one hundred steps to go;
Tonight I'll make it ninety-nine.

One more, go one more.
Don't stop now, go one more.

I have everything to lose
By not getting up to fight.
I might get used to giving up
So I am showing up tonight.

I am my own enemy,
The battle fought within my mind.
If I can overcome step one,
I can face the ninety nine.
- Superchick, "One More"

( What's been going on )

More later, hopefully.

- Tracie

I'm feeling lonely but I'm acting antisocial. Eh.

Killer got really sick on Sunday. He was throwing up clear bubbly stuff and we could tell he felt like crap and was in pain. Turns out he had a urinary blockage...crystals in his bladder, a plug in his penis, he was basically throwing up his pee. I took him to the vet. She told us that diagnosis and said if we did not give him treatment he would die. $600.

Killer is our family...we can't afford it but we're paying it anyway.

So they put him under general anesthetic, tried to pull the plug out but couldn't so they pushed it into his bladder to dissolve with the crystals when he gets the medicine. They gave him a catheter and drained his bladder for 24 hours. They gave him an IV too.

Me and dad went to visit him today. He was obviously doing much better. He was also drinking more water which is something the vet said he hadn't been doing enough. He'll be okay. We can take him home tomorrow afternoon.

I took my first dose of Topamax tonight. The pharmacist told me to take it when I won't have to drive for a while. So tonight was my first opportunity. It's supposed to help me drop weight and stop my migraines. That would be nice.

My relationship with Glen is doing really well. We love each other very much :)

That's all I feel like writing right now. I just took my meds so I should be asleep shortly.

- Tracie

It's 4:25 am. I've been waking up for the past half hour, imagining things. I don't mean to. I'm taking Seroquel, which should have completely knocked me out, but it's not having that effect - at least not yet on this dosage. For the past couple days I've been just barely agitated enough to make sleep/napping impossible. I'm probably talking in my sleep. I'll have to talk to my therapist about that. Dr. Baig said I can increase the Seroquel by 100 mg a night so perhaps I will go on a higher dose than I expected.

http://s9.photobucket.com/albums/a93/kitansigs/renfaire%202008/ <- pix from me and Glen at renfaire.

Dad's in pain from his minor surgery. They went into his neck by cutting under his tongue instead of going through the outside of his neck. He's in a lot of pain. And Stan, my dad's good friend whose wife just died, is going for open heart surgery Monday. He won't be able to drive for a month so I offered to cart him around town...he's done so much for my dad since he moved here that there's no way I could have just left him hanging. I know Stan and I have faith that he will not abuse my help.

This dual awake/asleep thing is really starting to throw me off balance. I start to barely doze and then I wake up. I couldn't sleep yesterday either. I drew a hot bath and I'd start to fall asleep in the bath only to jerk awake again. This really sucks.

Maybe I could take some Xanax and then draw a hot bath. Though Xanax didn't help me much yesterday. I dunno.

I wonder if this is the hangover feeling described at www.crazymeds.us.

It's like half of me wants to sleep and half wants to stay awake. This bites.

I've been playing drums on Rock Band. I'm building up my skills. I don't know if I'll be able to get past medium difficulty but it's still fun.

Ian (Lokadien) said something funny to me the other day. He said I'm really good at supporting people and it's awesome. Like, I watched a youtube of him doing Enter Sandman on Rock Band drums expert level and I told him that he could probably be a really good musician, especially on drums. I mean some of those rhythms were tougher than what some people do in their first year of college. He said that I"m really supportive and that's awesome about me. He said (I don't really remember this happening but it did) that when he wanted to get into flash animation for a short time I was really into helping him do that too. I told him...you have the talent and the ability, you just need a little push in the right direction. Giving that little push is second-nature to me. No one's ever told me I'm supportive before, but if there's one person that knows my ups and downs and everything it's Ian...

Me and dad were in the car the other day and he said randomly: "Tell Glen to stop leaving monkey bites on your neck, it doesn't look good." That was a little awkward...

I spoke with Mandie last night. She's basically the only person from high school I still talk to. She just graduated from a 5 year masters equivalency program in architecture from Cal Poly Pomona. Me and Mandie have always been open books when talking to each other and she was telling me about how much money she makes and stuff. And she's making bank. All that torturous school paid off for her even though she's still working like 10 hours a day. It's so weird knowing that she's going to make more this year than I make in like 5 years on disability. I mean, I'm happy for her, but...it's awkward. At least in my mind it is. We were both broke college students and now she's just got money everywhere. I mean it doesn't make me see her differently as a person or anything - we've been friends since 7th grade - but it does make me a little jealous. There. I said it. I want her to be happy. She's one of my best friends. But it's still a little strange.

And for some reason I'm drawing a blank as to what to write about now. I'd like to write about the incident of Taco Bell on Monday but I just don't have the motivation to put it into words again. My therapist, though, said that I'm moving toward good healthy things. She said that a lot of people like me cling to our pain and hold it like something precious. I'm learning to recognize when that's not good, and to recognize when healthy, good things come along. I'm letting go of my pain and suffering and choosing to be functional instead. With every suceeding visit to my therapist she smiles more and more.

And I'm just...I dunno whether I"m going to sleep or not. Whether I'll be up till sunrise (the sky is paling) or if I"ll be up to get dad McDonald's breakfast. I dunno...

- Tracie

Well, things are still going well with Glen :D We spent the 4th at his parents' house with the family and shot off a bunch of fireworks. We also went and saw a professional show, which made Glen a bit nervous (seeing as it sounds like an attack in Iraq) but he was okay. We're going to Lyara's party in Phoenix this weekend...road trip!!

Glen's family likes me. :D

This is the last week of school. Normal class today, normal class tomorrow, final on Thursday. Then Shakespeare festival in Cedar City (where Glen lives) on Friday, sleep over Friday night, leave early Saturday for Phoenix...by way of Colorado City, AZ and Hildale, UT!!

For those of you who don't know, that's where the FLDS is...the Mormon fundamentalists. ie, polygamists? I just want to say I've been there :look Glen's sister told me that no matter what it looks like I need to make sure to put a ring on my wedding finger...I think I'm a bit old for them anyway since they like marrying off teenage girls :p

And then we will continue to Phoenix :) Glen's looking really forward to it and I am too. I'm going to have him look over my New Spring comics along the way so that he can get more familiar with the whole Tower concept. He's got a copy of the NS paperback and wants to read it but he's a slooooow reader. Comics will be faster.

I deeply regret that I will probably have to bust out the size 16 jeans again tomorrow. The Invega just put so much weight on me - 30 pounds and counting since anni. Dr. Baig switched me to Seroquel and/or/with? Abilify. I'm taking Abilify samples, since starting Seroquel would be a BAD idea in finals week, so here's to hoping I don't start twitching again or can quickly get to a hospital if I do. :)

I'm actually going to try the Seroquel next week. Might as well. I've spent my bipolar career (so to speak) avoiding Seroquel but I think I can't do that anymore.

So hopefully this weight will drop off like it did last time.

Just gotta survive 2 more days, 2 more days of school and then I am done and it'll be one GE done and one degree requirement done...and no out of state fees in the summer. I just got billed $5000 for fall :( Gotta find out how to apply my scholarship to that.

Dad just got another salivary gland taken out (the one that keeps getting infected) but they went through the bottom of his mouth this time instead of going in from his neck like last time they took one out. At least it doesn't look this time like dad was in a knife fight. Recovery time is one week which I figure in dad's case is 3 weeks or so. So I am now at his beck and call, fetching popsicles and coke and anything else he could possibly need. It's going to be trying on my patience, keeping this up, but he's recovering from surgery and has made many sacrifices for me so I'm going to do my best to maintain a cheerful attitude. Hopefully Glen will be getting his 2 days a week off together so I can go up to Cedar a couple days at a time to escape.

I'm already noticing good changes from quitting the Invega and starting the Abilify though...I'm no longer eating a full package of double-stuff oreos every day. Not doing that anymore has to take some weight off of me. Dr. Baig says Invega makes me crave sweets and I believe her. The package of oreos is no longer calling my name.

Two days. Two more days of school. I think I can I think I can...well, I know I can, I just hope I don't completely burn out in the process. Two days...

- Tracie

Superchick came out with their fourth and newest album yesterday, Rock What You Got. This is a song that really touched the Green part of me, and while I know posting song lyrics is stupid, I want this for my own record. :) Btw, if you go listen to the previews of Rock What You Got and you like it, you can get it where Christian music is sold (got mine at Best Buy but it was the only one they had) and it's on iTunes too. :)

( One More )

Well, things with Glen are going really really well. We're officially boyfriend/girlfriend now (or "monogamous" as my therapist likes to call it) and he's totally amazing. And he thinks I'm totally amazing too, which is kinda weird on one level (since nobody's really told me that before - nobody believable, at least) but really nice on another level too. He's a touchy-feely kind of guy, he likes to hold my hand when he's driving and stuff. That's a little weird to me since I wasn't raised like that but I do love it when he does that :D So I explained to him that if I act weird about that, it's how I was raised, but that I do like it :)

He had absolutely no problem coming out to Mesquite for when I had dinner with Dax (formerly Elder Haslam) and his wife. And when I asked him to come with me to Phoenix for Lyara's party, even though he has to ask for 2-3 days off work (since he works graveyard) he still had no problem with it since I gave him plenty of notice. Versus...when I wanted Ian to come with me to Tyeslan and her (ex) hubby's small housewarming party he put up a big fuss and bitched about how he didn't know any of those people and finally just didn't go. But Glen has no problem with it! It's so amazing to not have to fight with him when I want him to do something for me. And when he wants me to do something for him, I do it. It's a give and take. It's really nice to have someone who can give and take instead of just being like "NO it's inconvenient and I don't WANT to so I'm NOT doing it."

It's interesting, when I have relationships, to figure out if I'm wearing the pants or if he's wearing the pants (ie, you sickos, it's a way of saying who's in control, not who's in a state of undress :p). I think we share the pants. When I take the lead, he follows, when he wants to take the lead, I follow. I think I need that. I need to not be in charge all the time but to be able to take the reins when I feel like I should. We communicate, we compromise, and my therapist says we're off to a great start.

I really hope this works out. I was kind of freaked out at first, before we met (remember, we met while he was in Iraq, on okcupid) because I could tell he was really into me and I'd never had anyone be that into me before. I think I told Mandie "I'm afraid I've acquired a stalker."

But he's not a stalker. He just...he just actually likes me, and cares about me, and cares about how I feel and what I think. He's introduced me to his family (parents + married sister + brother-in-law married to sister + their kids) and they're such positive people. Glen's mom is a dog groomer and she owns her own shop. Glen's dad has this thing called the Southwest Wildlife Foundation or something like that...he takes care of the wildlife in the area. When people find injured or abandoned animals, they know to call Glen's parents. Glen's dad is a falconer...his birds are amazing. So majestic and calm. They've got a baby prarie dog whose mother abandoned it that they're raising, along with a bunch of baby birds whose mother must have gotten killed or something. They say they won't be able to release the prarie dog and will donate it to a school science program, but that they'll release the birds near a friend's house who puts out bird feeders.

Glen also took me out to Parowan Gap where there are petroglyphs carved by ancient Paiute indians into the red rocks. He also showed me one of their caves and some dinosaur footprints a mile down the trail. I never knew any of this stuff existed...but with Glen's dad's occupation, they were out everywhere in the area when Glen was growing up.

So the problem that I wrote about a couple weeks ago has been resolved. Me and Glen are getting along really well. Now that he's back at work I won't be able to see him as much since he works graveyard, but we'll keep it going. It will also help when he gets the internet hooked up at his new place (on the 27th I think?). It is quite the drive from Mesquite to Cedar City, just about as long as it is from Mesquite to Vegas but in the opposite direction. But from St. George it's not that bad. Cedar City is a nice place. It's a little bigger than Mesquite, and more established, but more rural. It also snows a bit there, since it's at a higher elevation than Mesquite.

I am NOT going to say we're in it for the long term, because last time I said that I think I jinxed the relationship and it only lasted like 3 weeks :( But I will say that I hope we are :) He's more stable than a lot of the guys I dated, emotionally stable. And he's seeking therapy, which I think shows that he's more stable than most of the guys I've dated, that he knows he has things he has to work out and is taking responsibility for them.

So yes...it's going well :) He's horribly dyslexic and can't spell to save his life...which is not a sign of stupidity, it's a sign that he has a learning disability and it sucks but he's not broken or anything. My dad's dyslexic so I'm familiar. Were he more able to spell and such I'd get him on Tar Valon, but we use proper grammar there and some of the stuff he types even I can't figure out :p Still, hopefully I can introduce him to the Tower people I know in real life and I can get him involved a little that way. Lyara's party is a start on that front :) He's into renfaire and stuff, and he does read a bit (in fact he's picking up WoT...I told him to read New Spring first since it's shorter and has less plot lines in it).

So we're hanging out about as much as is practical, each of us having our own schedule and problems with gas prices. I will get pictures soon :)

Oh - my dad likes him. Really likes him, despite the fact that he's got a couple of tattoos (usually dad thinks that tattoos are stupid and a sign of low self-esteem) so that's really unusual. Glen's got tons of stories from Basic and serving in Iraq and stuff...I like hearing stories about the military, about being on the ground, despite the fact that I could never do it myself. It intrigues me. If I weren't bipolar (and perhaps if we weren't in a war right now :p) I might have joined the military. I think that defending your country is one of the most noble things a person can do. Even if the military is sent to these international places that don't seem to have much connection with defending the United States. But that's political. I don't like politics. I'm voting for Obama, but beyond that I don't like to talk about it :)

When dad was going through some stuff a few days before me and Glen met up for the first time, he came across this beanie baby...a teddy bear dressed in fatigues with the flag on his shoulder, with a tag that said his name is Hero. I gave it to Glen since it made me think of him and since then it has taken up residence in front of the gear shift in his car :) He also brought me back some jewelry from Iraq (gold and stuff is cheap there, I didn't want to let him get me stuff when we'd never met but I could tell how much it meant to him so I let him). He got me two beautiful necklaces and a really nice watch. The watch I had been wearing was like a $12 one from the Exchange at Miramar that Ian got for me the weekend before he left for Iraq...it was all abused and scratched up and stuff since I'd been wearing it for over two years :p I like the one Glen gave me...I always wear it now :)

So yes. Happyness :) I can definitely imagine a future with him in it. He's respectful, and generous, and thoughtful, and he really likes me. Which is good because I like him too :)

And I could go on all night, but I have to go to sleep (doctor at 8:15 tomorrow morning ><) so I will end this here.

- Tracie

I do believe that I am getting my first ever feminine cramp outside of the immediate one I got at the insertion of my IUD. It doesn't hurt that badly but it is annoying, considering it's almost 3:00 am. I suppose I will go take a warm bath and bring a book with me. It's not that bad - not NEARLY bad enough to reconsider my IUD - but it is a bit annoying. Eh.

- Tracie

...to remind me to write tomorrow about this guy I'm dating. If Saturday comes and I have not written about him, please kick me. Thank you :)

Sincerely,

Tracie

( Girly health stuff )

Either way, I have my IUD in now and it is good. It's good for 5 years - but the doctor said that new research shows it may be good for 7, so to have a talk with them after 5 years is up.

I'm kind of depressed, with Linda dying and all, but I'm distracting myself.

Anyway, going to bed. G'night.

- Tracie